In anticipation of St. Winebald's Day, which is not a Satanic holiday but rather the feast day of an unknown German saint, I'd like to repeat this fantastic post of mine about idiot Satanic Ritual Abuse allegations.
Speaking of which, here's a link to an even better freak-out about how stupid British police are using a "Satanist Hunters' Manual" to "hunt" "satan-worshippers".
SAFF - How British police fell for the St. Winebald fakery.
Anyway, on to the past we go:
So, apparently a pony was found dead on Dartmoor.
And the fundamentalist Christians are coming out of the woodwork to give the UK one of their favourite pastimes - a moral panic:
Plymouth Herald - Satanists blamed for horse mutilation and death on Dartmoor.
A Satanic cult has been blamed for the death of a pony which was horrifically mutilated in a ring of fire during a full moon.As anyone who follows animal mutilation stories can tell you, it's rather more likely that the animal dropped dead, and then later has its grundies and face eaten off post-mortem by scavengers.
Police are investigating after the young male animal had its genitals and right ear sliced off and tongue and eyes cut out - possibly while it was still alive.
If you're an animal, those are the easiest things to chew off from a dead body.
And I'm sorry, but trying to cut off a horse's anything while it's still alive will put you in the hospital or the morgue. Period. My granddad was permanently crippled by one kick from a horse, just cos the horse was having a bad day; imagine how bad even a pony would fuck you up if you were trying to snip his tongue off.
And "in a ring of fire during a full moon"? That's one of those factoids that you have to doubt immediately; after all, did someone really make a ring of fire, and do the police know for certain it died during the full moon? Grass doesn't burn, at least not in a nice well-arranged round-shaped fire. Try it sometime.
But there are all sorts of nutbar Christian fundamentalist wackjobs out there who think there is a secret world-spanning cult of pony-hating (formerly baby-raping) Satanists out there, and they've watched all sorts of movies or videos or shit where some guy makes an actual ring of fire during a full moon. So it's quite likely someone added these stupid facts to the story to make it sound more sinister.
Because they want you to come to church.
Animal welfare officers are investigating but local horse carers believe the butchery was part of an evil occult or Pagan ceremony by Devil worshippers."Local horse carers" apparently means one single nutbar named Karla McKechnie. I really fucking hate when a supposed journalist pluralizes "concern" or "belief" of one person to make it seem like it's a mass phenomenon, but that's what happens when journalism school graduates are forsaken in favour of some dumb twit with O-levels who's willing to work for a pittance.
Local welfare charities have reported the death to the police and have appealed for the public to be extra vigilant.
Karla McKechnie, Dartmoor's Livestock Protection Officer, said she feared devil worshippers were behind the ritualistic horse killing.
She said: "We do get strange things happening from time to time, normally when its a full moon.
"I've come across strange circles in the ground, boulders used as altars, that sort of thing, but thankfully animal mutilations are rare.
"I suspect its witches or devil worshippers but it's always hard to get to the bottom of it.
How do I know Karla McKechnie is a fundamentalist wackjob? As we saw back in the Satanic Ritual Abuse Panic days, fundies always tend to conflate "occult" with "Satanic". It's part of the American fundie tradition of calling everything Satanic: yoga, meditation, Hinduism, and hippies doing candle magic stuff from the Witches' Bible Compleat are all Satanic according to these guys. "Satanic" symbols include the peace sign, the pentagram, the Star of David, and probably even the logo on Led Zeppelin IV for all I fucking know.
Basic fact: there are occultists and pagans in England. They don't worship the devil, they don't worship Satan. Even Satanists don't worship Satan: ask one sometime and he'll be happy to explain Satanism to you.
Only stupid American-inspired fundamentalist christians believe that Satanists worship Satan, and that witchy and druidy hippies worship Satan, and that shit even the Catholics worship Satan.
And apparently Karla McKechnie isn't even an actual Veterinary Technician, or whatever it's called over there. Cos if she was, the paper would call her a Veterinary Technician instead of calling her several "horse carers".
Dartmoor and the surrounding countryside in Devon and Cornwall has been dogged by rumours of satanic rituals for years.Oh good.
One of my favourite topics of study back when I cared about sociology was the Satanic Ritual Abuse panic that happened on the Isle of Lewis a few decades back. Interestingly, it was an isolated community (go find Lewis on a map for fuck's sake), and the "Satanists" were all southerners who had moved up to Lewis for... cheap rent or something, I dunno. So obviously the strange southerners got persecuted as "Satanists". It would have been a great Ph.D. thesis, if only I had thought visiting Lewis was a remotely good idea.
And here we are with another outlying area whose traditions are being trampled upon by an influx of Londoners.
Satanic ritual allegations always pop up in these situations, cos you've got a conservative rural population who feel their traditional way of life is under threat. "Because Satan" is the Christian fundie response.
The fundamentalist preachers from the US move into these areas, and give a few lectures on "how to spot Satanism": the source of the concern in Lewis was (if I remember) eventually traced to one social worker having gone to a "lecture" by fundie wackjobs from the USA who came to Scotland to sow some fear of Satan.
So I guess the fundies have been giving lectures in Cornwall now?
In 2012 a two-year-old horse called Eric belonging to Dawn Jewell, 27, was found mutilated on the day of satanic animal sacrifice.Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be.
(Sorry, needed to inject a comedic break here. If you don't get the Monty Python reference then you're Satanist scum!)
He was found dead in his field in Stithians, near Falmouth, Cornwall, after a full moon with his right eye gouged out, his teeth removed and his genitalia hacked off.Lots of days of the year that are "after a full moon". More specific, please?
God only knows, maybe there's a feral dog on the moor (I guess there are no wolves in England anymore?) and it finds it easier to hunt during a full moon.
Or maybe the horse just dropped dead and its body was gnawed on by skunks or raccoons or whatever scavengers you lot have in England.
Or maybe some asshole goes around killing horses.
The horrific attack happened on St Winebald Day, a date in the satanic calendar traditionally celebrated with bloody rituals.Oh holy fuck with honey garlic fuck sauce served with a side order of fuck fries and fuck coleslaw, accompanied by a nice full pint of Guinness in a glass with the word "fuck" written on it in big red letters! This requires Blown-Mind Keanu:
SAINT something-something Day? As in the day of a Christian SAINT?
This is "a date in the Satanic calendar traditionally celebrated with bloody rituals"?!?!?
Satanists worship Catholic saints on Saints' Days?
Answer: No. No, they don't.
Sure, Walpurgisnacht (another day entirely) is important to a few Satanists somehow, but not because St. Walpurga was accidentally canonized on May Day, and Walpurgisnacht is the May Eve, and that happens to be important as an older pagan holiday being the mid-spring night, cos you can't plant anything before May in northern Europe where it's cold so it's good to keep track of the earliest possible planting day.
Walpurgisnacht is conveniently at the opposite end of the year from All Hallow's Eve, and that's why Satanists care about this completely different day which doesn't have to do with Saint Winebald.
Now... who is St. Winebald? He's some dude. Really, Wikipedia's got nothing. Quote: "abbot of the Benedictine double monastery of Heidenheim am Hahnenkamm, and beyond that we got nothing." The Feast of St. Winibald is Dec 18th. Apparently he lived in the same period as Walpurga and they might have even quaffed mead together. I doubt any Satanist, who "worships Satan", satanically, is going to be looking up Catholic feast days to determine when to perform his next Satanic ritual. Especially dedicating their Satanic ritual on Dartmoor which is Cornish to a dead German abbot.
Especially when you could do even more evil and mayhem by just holding off for 6 fucking days and doing your Satanic giggity on Christmas Eve.
Oh, and by the way, Plymouth Hystericald - Dec 18th is also the day of St. Mawnan of Cornwall. Why aren't you blaming him? I guess cos Winebald sounds more sinister, it being more German and all.
But there are lots of hippies and metalheads out there who think they're druids, and probably would be happy to sacrifice animals because that was the druidy way of doing things, and thus they'd be preserving their ancient Celtic heritage of killing stuff in honour of the Horned God or something. And maybe druids would find it a good idea to do a ritual on the Saint's day of a Cornish priest... cos... I dunno, I'm still drawing a blank.
But I guess blaming it on druidism would be too obvious a slander against the heritage of the Celtic lower classes out there. And if you piss off the lower classes they get mighty nasty. So instead you blame it on "Satanism" and invite the mouth-breathing Cornish to go to some stupid American-style fundie church service where they can be saved from the evil pseudo-papistry of Anglicanism, with their anti-Christ HM Queen Elizabeth II and their false prophet Archbishop of Canterbury - who parenthetically is a Geordie and thus about as far away from God as you can possibly get.
Now, this story was carried elsewhere too:
The Independent - Police investigate possibility that Satanic cult killed and mutilated pony on Dartmoor.
They seem to have copied the Plymouth Herald article verbatim. Except they probably have a Catholic typesetter who realizes the "St. Winebald Day" angle was a fucking stupid clownish drooling pile of steaming idiocy, so she cut that bit out to make the newspaper look slightly less fucking stupid.
Unfortunately, the Independent's article adds this:
Inspector Oliver told the BBC that his officers would be speaking to "experts in the field as it was not in the normal remit".The fuck?!? "Experts in the field"? Of what?
I do certainly hope Insp. Oliver means he's going to consult with something like "experts in animal mutilations", and not "experts in Satanic cults". Because sorry dude, you're going to end up getting brainwashed by a bunch of fucktard American fundamentalist wackjobs.
Hey! Insp. Oliver! Want some "expert" stuff on Satanic killings?
Here. Watch this video. It's got a hot blushing Christian teenage chick in a bikini who's playing dead and who has stuff drawn on her body in pen.
And here's another one, where some fundie in a mullet, who hasn't had a real job his entire life, shows you a park where Satanists and homosexuals like to go hand in hand. No tits though.
Insp. Oliver, this is the level of "expert"-ness that you'll find: a bunch of fundies who just fucking make shit up. These guys ain't graduate students from a forensic anthropology programme; they're fundie wackjobs who've maybe read a couple Bob Larson books that hype "the evils of Satanism". Or just watched the videos, like this infomercial:
So you will not, for example, be able to get them to give you primary-source proof from a "Satanic spellbook" that proves that yes, indeed, a Satanist wanting to perform some particular ritual has to draw little pentacles on a chick's boobs just so, it says here on page 172 of Satanic Spells Made Easy for Morons by renowned Satanist author Stanley McSatanstein von Satan.
These "experts" don't do experiments, they don't do statistical analysis, and any lawyer with two brain cells to rub together will shred these fucking Jesus-freak assclowns into mincemeat on the stand if you're ever so fucking stupid as to present them to the court as "expert" witnesses. And then you'll be next up on the stand and that lawyer will make you the laughing stock of the justice system.
Because it's utter bullshit. It's all been made up by fundamentalist Christian wackjobs whose entire purpose is to convert your interestingly-dentitioned halitosis-blessed island fortress nation away from that evil Popery of the Anglican Church, over to fucking Southern Baptism or some such shit. Oh and take all your money.
Now here's another English rag covering the story:
Daily Telegraph - Pony mutilated in suspected satanic act in Dartmoor.
Forgive me btw, but I was under the impression that a thing should be said to be on Dartmoor, not in it. Because Dartmoor is a moor, and a moor is a thing that you are said to be on. Like a heath, say. Correct me if I'm wrong. (Of course you can be in Dartmoor if you've been "bunged up in the nick" as they say at HM Prison Dartmoor.)
Anyway, the Telegraph has yet more depth to the story, which makes me wonder if maybe they have a real journalist working for them:
According to experts, the south west has a long association with Satanic groups, some of which still perform sacrifices.Really? "Experts" again? And these "experts" are in touch with enough "Satanic groups" to know that some of them have given up doing sacrifices?
No. It's not like that at all.
Rather, the "experts" is some dumb crazy chick again, and "know" means she's only making shit up again.
Jenny Thornton, an animal welfare officer on Dartmoor, thought the position of the foal was “sinister” when she was called to examine it later that night.Yes, animals can "cut" an ear off. If the animal was there for a while the ear is easy to gnaw off. Thank you, btw, for noting that the eyes are the first things to go when free food gets set out at night.
“Crows take eyes out but animals certainly couldn’t have cut an ear off,” she said. “We have not jumped to any conclusions but it certainly seems that it could have been ritualistic.”
And I like your sense of humour, Jenny! "We haven't jumped to any conclusions yet, but LORD SAVE US THE DEMON SATAN AND HIS HORDES HAVE OVERWHELMED US"?
I hope she brings a fucking parachute when she actually does jump to conclusions.
And here's that nutcase fundie Karla McKechnie with her undeserved 1 sentence of fame again:
Karla McKenchie, who has looked after animals on Dartmoor for 13 years, said cult members were obvious suspects.Ah! Cult members are obvious suspects, and she knows this because she hangs out with animals. There's your fucking "expert" right there.
“When you think it was done under a full moon and the pony was in an arced-out circle that was possibly burnt by candles, I think you could be looking for someone other than just your local Joe Bloggs,” she said.
And she's obviously the one who's added the "circle burned by candles" bullshit to the story.
And interestingly, it's not "just your local Joe Bloggs" - the subtext being that it's some outsider. Because the "OMG Satanists" story, as I noted above, is always ultimately a narrative driven by fear of outsiders.
But wait! There's more!
The police are taking these precedents seriously, and Insp Oliver said the lunar cycle was possibly a factor. “There is a lot of research about the effects of the cycle,” he said.OK, Insp. Oliver is now proven a fucktard. "There is a lot of research about the effects of the [full moon]"?!?! Really? What, you mean "research" as in "conversations with little old ladies in the pub, especially after they've 'ad a few"?
“As is well known, a full moon does affect people: I’ve been in the control room before where we’ve had two separate people on high buildings threatening to throw themselves off [during a full moon]. Monday was the full moon, so it would be a bit of a coincidence.”
This is what happens when you let low-grade fucking morons become police officers.
And then this paper must have checked out Wikipedia to find some more "experts":
Per Faxneld, an expert in contemporary Satanism at the University of Stockholm, said that full moons were important in Satanist rituals, but that the attack was unlikely to have been carried out by an “established Satanist group”.Per Faxneld?
He's a Ph.D. student who's into black metal. And he's from Sweden, where the paganist religions are qualitatively very different from England: Odinism is not even remotely like druidism. Now sure, he has actually contributed some to the study of actual real Satanist groups, but this is not the level of "expert" that you would consult in any other field.
He added that “one of the most extreme Satanist groups in the world”, the Order of Nine Angles – which has even called for human sacrifices – is based in Britain.Yeah, well... Anton Long aka David Myatt from the ONA became a muslim a while back, and now he's apparently some other sort of thing, so I doubt the ONA had anything to do with this. Especially since the Order of Nine Angles was like 2 guys in a cottage in Shropshire, which is a bit far of a drive to mutilate ponies. But you wouldn't expect that level of investigative journalism from the Daily Telegraph, I guess.
And we'll give the last words to Batshit Karla:
Karla McKenchie thinks such a cult will provide the answer. “I’ve never come across somebody who goes out in the middle of the night, catches ponies and mutilates them,” she said. “When you go start doing that to an animal, you obviously don’t bat for the right side.”Yeah... so therefore if you don't bat for the right side you must be a Satanist.
Instead of some bunch of hippies playing druid. Or even just some dumb Cornish teenagers who like getting drunk and killing animals.
Cos all the evil things that happen in the world are the result of Satan, instead of your own fucking stupidity.
This is why I'm always calling for punching someone in the fucking face as the answer to all life's problems.